life report

way back when

2009-01-12T05:30:00.000-08:00

I remember writing this a few years back. I even remembered it on the day of his funeral.

"The cafe was packed last night. People were everywhere, it did made me feel a bit suffocated. Am always bad with people. But I can't spend most of my time with myself. At least thats what they say, I honestly think I can though. And so there I was, agreeing to go to the movies with three of my coworkers. We had to wait nearly two hours for the show to start. Nothing else to do but sit down with a cup of hot chocolate and talk. Last nights topic turned out quite interesting. In what way will you dispose your corpse? Cremated or buried? One of them answered cremated. She said it was more practical, that she didn't want to burden the living by forcing them to come visit her grave and avoid more of her own grieve from six feet under whenever they forget. She prefers her ashes be scattered in the sea, which sea I can't recall.
The next one said he didn't have the luxury to choose. His must be buried, after stripped down and wrapped in cloth. But he did have things to be done about his grave, though. First, it must have a tomb of excellent taste, engraved with only his short name. Second, they who come to pay their respects should bring white flowers, preferably with a white on white outfit which turned out to be the dress code he'll be stating in his will as his last wish.
The topic went on. This time about the funeral. The former mentioned, the one with the graveyard dress code, said that he doesn't want weeping pathetic people on his last day on earth. Instead, he wanted the event to be more alive. Starting with the music as the background. No sad songs please, he pleads. And his pick was an upbeat song from Beyonce, the title escaped me, sorry. This selection of soundtrack of the day he'll die inspired the cremation girl to come up with one of her own. Kylie Minogue's I Believe in You. Then they started to sing the song, with the dance moves. I never thought the discussion of death could be that entertaining. And I am not being sarcastic here."

He would've wanted me to say goodbye gracefully, not with hysterical cries or so-not fabulous swollen eyes.

Farewell, dear friend.
We love you.
Pardon my tears for not being able to stop falling. I still can't at times..

black waters

2006-12-10T21:09:00.000-08:00

cliffs surrounding the blackened waters shrieked of detestation..

their frostings jagged... threatening to sever..
distinctively clashing with those silky dark liquids
which secretly preserves somber enigma... deep and aphotic...
concealed by layers of wave... endlessly layered by the other..
as if discouraging each esoteric code that wished to reach the shore

what becomes of those opaque fluids in my dream?
such thick waters as if ink...
discarding all colors on that moonlit evening..
only embelished by gliterring sparks that dances on its surfaces..
swaying seductively.. precariously..

i once saw someone courageously plunge in to it..
the blackness swallowing his glowing skin..
i swore he became fluorescent inside its depths..
almost reaching the equivocal ocean floors..
yet swim he can not.. swept away by muscular currents..
til he was sucked through a cavity in a wall..
that separates the blackened waters from the clearer ocean sea..
where he came to float in despair..

what was he doing..
trying to conquer those no mans waters..
even i just watched it from a distance..
blending among the rocks..
admiring with fright.

*many thanks to abby hidayat for the image :)

dead, yet again

2006-06-27T01:20:00.000-07:00

i walk the grounds of death, yet again.
reminiscing living days that once were,
as memories shout from deep within these graves,
of birth, of sparks, that crave the beginning.

lucid still is the first moonlight that nurtured our frail hearts,
or the premier glow that blinds my sight from the crowd.
yet useless are hopes of bright neon grass,
for these carpets of earth will forever stay as it is,
persistently green,
with roots steadily planted through solid soil.

but then comes dark.
when all colors agree in one shade,
ignoring the true hues of our universe,
as thin yet superior layers of black
captivates what was once vibrant.

i walk further through these grounds,
searching for the remains of our bodies,
questioning the undeniable past.

like the rest before us,
did we just die?

mirror image of mine

2006-04-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

i see you just to find myself.
eyes so terrestrial from my own,
yet peculiarly stares at the same dark walls.
strange how we never tire of peeling its layers,
in search of even the lightest shade of grey,
the shade every others ignorantly gaze at without even trying.
visions of common reality

i hear you just to listen to myself.
words richly plain but gallantly builds up into a horrific empire of thoughts,
beautifully orchestrated like rows of fragile dominoes,
tapping each others shoulders until it ends as a spectacle of ruins,
bowing down to a higher state of meaning.
voices of the unspoken.
mute but absolute.

i touch you just to feel myself.
skin still young but bruised by silent cuts of bitter fate,
veins dangerously visible by poisonous streams of yester years,
longing strokes soothing enough to the pore,
yet massive enough to penetrate a constructed core.
scarce is this touch.
so settling to a mere resemblance is not necessarily an act of desperation,
for it creates an adequate high,
and makes a warrior out of us as we declare battle against gravity,
resisting the lowest lows and refraining from the shrillest highs,
this war of being satisfied with adequacy is private.
best kept inside.

i discover your confession just to find my secrets.
thoughtfully separating certain pieces from the whole panoramic truth,
to float in delightful uncertainty,
a mystery established neither by lies nor deceit,
merely untold.
purposely forgotten to embark upon new memories,
a silent journey with blindfolds on,
to escape those hopeful stares from outdated flame,
once generating our little universe to a state of ecstasy
and now leads our actions by their invisible strings.
is there light after light?
or do we forever seek for fresh spark
and darkness is simply an illusion we fabricate?
speculate what we may, for we are just corresponding pieces,
intersected to align a twisted simulacrum of existence.

did i just see a mirror image of me?
queer as it may be,
i don't need to think of you as mine,
for i am you.
or are you me?
divided from one fraction, shredded into two pieces,
dissected into countless bits of flakes of our presence,
knitted in sync as our minds copulate in a future-less space.

...

2006-03-15T22:02:00.000-08:00

“He who does not understand your silence
will probably not understand your words.”

Elbert Hubbard

compassion for the distorted sun

2006-01-22T18:28:00.000-08:00

i sat outside greeting the invasion of dusk, with heavy wind splattering my already disheveled hair into further chaos. my hands ignored the mayhem, letting strands of hair whip my frosting facial skin. then i inhaled. bitterness lingers in my tongue, still awkward with the taste that i left weeks before. but, it gradually blends in with the more sour sensation stipulating inside my chest. i deliberately allowed the ballad caress my ears with sweet memories. surprisingly its melody still present a pounding effect on the heart. it always does.

i try to push back the tears that attempt to drench my cheeks, questioning the agitation from within. never have i regretted being myself this much. causing grieve to numerous souls, ones closest to the heart, one so dear and particularly adore. has vile rooted in me too deep? polluting my ways of affection? for they shout and plea, insisting to end the torture they admit is tainted by me.

sorrow starts to swell from the core, growing slowly but faithfully with immense vigor and eventually spreads with even proportions until it reached every single pore. i shivered and tried to calm down my skin, greatly wishing it was only the wind. the gravity of sadness cast my head down, giving me a clear view of the sun peeping through marching clouds mirrored by the tile beneath my feet.

its fainting rays try to fight the blocking cumulus, making its way through creaks of the thick blanket of dark cotton. as if desperately trying to convince the earth that it will always burn even though soon night will surely arrive. it must retreat, without the slightest shame of its prior doings from the break of dawn, giving way to the faithful dark whenever the world turns it head. but it silently maintains its fierce flame, hoping with all its might that it wasn’t misunderstood. forces of nature was everything there is to it. never will it fully admit its defeat each time its warmth lessens just to allow rain feed the ground. it meant no harm by the drain it caused when it let its guard down over angry thunders and lightning. never did it intend to punish whenever it increases its heat til the earth boils red with perspiration. and it certainly isn’t trying to hide and purposely compose murky air each time vast clouds rushes beneath.

the tune continue to tease my fragile state as abundant of thoughts came rushing through. i slowly gathered what is left of my ruined heart, forced to erect my face to the faint light that still persists although the sun is now nowhere in sight and started to serenade a silent prayer. shall there be more compassion to the distorted sun. shall there be willingness of the earths damp flesh to be soaked by the downpour. shall there be courage of the parched soil to bask in glaring temperature. shall there be conviction of the moist ground to indistinct atmosphere. shall there be faith of the undying fire, for the sun forever burns. it always will. it always have been. it just needs to find a new day.

candycane rainbow

2006-01-08T22:49:00.001-08:00

i had a vision in slumber,
waking at the berth of an edge.
sleepily realizing a sudden thirst
for an enchanting yet myth-like landscape that stretches ahead.
whispering, inviting

the creamy sheets below promising poise,
then impetuously becomes amiss.
my hands reached out for the forest of abundant perplexity,
unsatisfied—never is—with certainty.

layers of colors fly before me
startling my safely tucked toes under the covers,
which with surprising impulse gives posture to my outstretched figure.
standing curiously before the peculiar spectacle,
the glowing hues starts an unexpected dance,
teasing me, luring me.

with eyes wide with awe,
a smile escapes me.
yet only that smile followed the candycane rainbow,
for my two feet is steadily planted at the edge of the cliff.
still

THE TROUBLE WITH ME

2005-11-27T18:37:00.000-08:00

you see the trouble with me
i've got a head full of fuck
i'm a basket case
i don't think i can love love love

you see the trouble with you
is you're in love with me
what a strange thing to do
what a brave place to be

so we dive on sunset strip
our hearts so deep i drown in it
and as it breaks i swim through cracks
and leave with words i can't take back

- robbie williams

mystery of misery

2005-09-29T01:30:00.000-07:00

Oscar Wilde said that there is no mystery as great as misery. Thank god for Wilde to put it in words, because i was swept with this realization in a midst of traffic on a hectic Monday afternoon. Why do certain things cause tears, pain and distress to people? Or how does the rest of the others play their cards right and win their way to happiness? To think about it, we were all born in a miserable state. We cry as we enter the world for chrissakes. We need just about everything to banish the misery away. We need diapers, food, a place to live, pieces of paper called money, understanding, appreciation, kindness, friends that care, somebody that loves us no matter what and even the right spouse for our children. It takes effort to be happy. Yet misery is always inside us.

When that feeling of anguish came knocking on my door that same monday afternoon, i surprisingly felt at ease. I was exhilarated, actually. It was those priceless moments when i am all by myself, with no one but my tears to accompany me. They were always there when i needed them. Their fluid blurs my vision of reality and forces me to dive into the depths of my own being, to submerge into the suffering. The second my soul meets grief, the sweetest sensation of pain and torture fills my entirety demanding defeat. A perpetual weeping harmony then becomes the most trustworthy companion amongst the deafening silence in answering millions of inaudible frustrating questions rising from the inner deep. Intoxicating.

Was i getting used to life's never ending torment that i'm eventually addicted to it? For i welcome it, embrace it and even felt a certain kind of high because of it. I guess we all need to feel the bitterness just to feel alive, because all the happiness is mere illusion. I can only count on misery, the most faithful companion to return to whenever i'm exhausted of pretending that life is beautiful.

word kill

2005-09-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

" It's simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."
- Sam Levenson

i prefer silence to words. particularly harsh words that might as well stab me right in the heart. pardon my naivete, but i never thought one could actually say something so horrible directly at one else. beyond comprehension. for i need to think more than a thousand times before even beginning to consider about bringing my deepest vocabularies to the surface. believe me, i have plenty. but i prefer to keep it safe inside, noting that i wouldn't want to be called names by others. especially people who i hold dear in my heart.

regarding ones reaction to a certain statement, experience is another thing. well, for the last quarter of my life, never have my name been placed following the rudest four-letter word and a 'you'. either verbally or in writing. i find either way as viscious and barbaric. after eventually given the opportunity to experience it in writing, the aftermath was unbelievable. i could describe it many words, actually. unpleasant. disturbing. harsh. offensive. rigorous. ruthless. vile. heartbreaking. hurtful. should i go on? cruel. vulgar. uncivilized. degrading. obscene. repulsive. or just let me put it in the simplest form: plain rude.

am i over reacting, i ask myself. am not!
i dont give a flying f**k if the rest of mankind thinks that its ay okay to use the damn word in a fight. to me its intolerable. period.

giving up giving up

2005-08-25T21:36:00.000-07:00

SMOKE UPDATE:

i smoked two and a half packs of cigarette yesterday.

mock me, underestimate me,
"told-you-so" me, scorn me, despise me, forbid me,
but NEVER EVER threaten me.

life after cigarettes

2005-08-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

“We'll see!”

(said with a sarcastic tone of voice, degrading look and muffled laughs)

Thats the reaction I get when I officially stated that I quit smoking. Numerous times! Thanks a lot people! I guess the relation between me and cigarettes were too imminent. I myself even thought that I wont survive a day without one. Until I finally set my mind to it.

It was a spur of the moment actually. It had nothing to do with the horror story my sister told about her single lunged friend due to incessant smoking since elementary. I was horrified to even try to imagine what my lungs looked like right then. That much is true, but that wasn't compelling enough to make me ditch my half full cigarette pack of Marlboro Light Menthols. I even lit and smoked three of them while discussing about the subject furthermore.

The truth is. I'm bored. That's the precise reason I resign myself as a heavy smoker. Grievous reasonings are not needed to make me quit. I know what nicotine and countless toxins such as ammonia, lead, formaldehyde and cadmium does to my lungs. The whole world knows it. But do we stop just because of it? Many don't. And I'm one of them. I'm just plain bored. It was all I ever did in my spare time. So I decided to do something other than burning my lungs out.

When i came upon my last cigarette last Saturday night, i smoke it as usual. Without the need to savor it as my last. 'That was the last pack of cigarettes you would ever lay your hands on' was the words that kept ringing in my ear right after. I never knew who said that, I guess it was my inner heart, lungs and consciousness ganging up on me. So i gave in. And that was when i started to relax and not rush my ass off to the nearest shop even though i am quite aware that i'm out of cigarettes. (Note: in the smoking glory days, this was a kind of life or death emergency for me)

Turns out, there are many things in life other than tobacco. Here are the first five days of my cigarette-free journey:

Day 1

Not an entire day actually. I smoked my last one at seven pm. But the day was yet to begin, as it was a Saturday night.

Location: home, terrace.

Got a into fight. This used to be a chain smoking situation, for i use to make matters worse by doing a dramatic cigarette-in-hand-eyes-fixated-to-nothing-in-particular sequence. So, i sat there doing nothing while he freely smoked his Marlboro Reds. Nothing to hold on to. It made me kinda vulnerable actually. I was forced to face my feelings and not detour from it because of distracting smoke created by cigarettes. And it proofed right, for i cried. It's not such a bad thing after all. One bad thing i realized, however, was how awful a smokers breath is. Yuck!

Location: opi kebab, kemang.

I never imagined what a meal would be like if it wasn't followed with a smoke or two. Surprise, surprise! It was better! The taste of the food lingers much longer. I don't have to cope with that certain bitterness because of smoking.

Location: car.

More talking, less fighting over smoking permit x).

Location: theater, planet hollywood.

No urge whatsoever to join in and light a cigarette with other smokers in the theaters entrance. This idleness made me stop and smell the roses, er, pavement. Smoking made me somewhat ignorant. I never cared about what was around me. Without one burning in my hand, I had more time to realize new, useless yet fascinating, things. Like how small Demi Moore's hand is compared to Bruce Willis'. How couples tend to wear a similar tone of clothing when they go out together. And, how his eyes tend to flinch in such a way whenever he inhales his smoke.

Day 2

Location: home, living room

Woke up late, watched TV, talked to mom, brother and sister. I usually get up and then shut my room to smoke. So there I was sitting at the sofa and abruptly thought: “WHY THE HELL DID I STOP SMOKING ANYWAY!!???” It was just a thought, not that i wanted to smoke or anything. Coz I realized that I actually can live without a cigarette, its just a matter of want. And so I went on with my smoking-less day.

Location: rawamangun, living room

There was no one but us in the room. If I didn't made my mind to quit, I could've been happily smoking while watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith for the second time. But no, I had to be so cool and all to cut off entirely. Results: watching in peace, without smoky air filling the room, a scolding to my love that he's actually making people in the house cough because of his Gudang Garam (me? actually doing this? miracle!) and this oh so light feeling that I rarely get when smoke gets in my eyes, seeping through my brain causing migraines and furious headaches. (oh and darling, i can't decide yet whether I prefer a Marlboro Red flavored kiss or a Gudang Garam one. I'll get back to you on that.)

Day 3

Location: office, jl. Lombok

I usually start my day at the office with half an hour of smoking and chit chat session with the girls in the balcony. But not today. This is my first day of work without my Marlboro Light Menthols. So, my cup of coffee is successfully drained without one (usually three) that morning. Result: I saved Rp. 7.500! I didn't get to meet that guy who I give ten thousand rupiahs (every weekday morning) to be exchanged with a fresh pack of cigarette and two notes of thousand rupiahs and a single five hundred coin.

I drank three cups of coffee. It made my heart pound like hell.

I miss the balcony.

Location: car, route: lombok – plaza senayan – pasaraya – plaza senayan – plaza semanggi – lombok.

More talk about the bore of work life with the fashion assistant. She doesn't smoke. Great. I also don't have to sing the same old request to the obnoxious driver each time i get in the car: could you open the window please? Result: I didn't make the car smell bad when I get off.

My gums are still hurting. So it's not because of my excessive smoking then? (well, too late for that missy!) Oh well, at least my lips aren't as chapped.

Day 4

Location: office lobby, jl. lombok

Had lunch with friends. I usually smoke five to six cigarettes at these occasions. Two before lunch is served, three to four after. Today? Zero. Substitute? Food. I had bubur ayam for breakfast, and now ketoprak for lunch. Hmmm...

Location: desk, office.

I had to e-mail my editor and ask for a rescheduled deadline. This was so unlike me. I have to confess that I wasn't productively writing the last couple of days. No cigarette = No writings? You tell me!

Anyway, my editor let me off the hook. The article will be due a day after tomorrow.

Location: wing dome, plaza semanggi

One old west buffalo wing, one regular french fries and ice tea. Damn the tartar sauce is nice. I should stop eating! Turns out my best friend is also trying to cut off smoking, so there we were talking about our latest headlines in life without an ashtray on the table. Then comes another friend, with a girlfriend. When announcing about my resignation from the smoking world, this friend was the only person who reacted positively: “YES!” he said.

Started to think about doing exercise. Might as well do the entire healthy lifestyle thing while I'm at it, right?

Day 5

Location: home, room

Had a spinning headache. Whats wrong? I'm certainly not smoking since Saturday, so what then? Is it because I'm NOT smoking? RIGHT. (denial, denial, denial)

Location: in front of powerbook, dining room.

Have to finish my article! I had the slightest thought to light a cigarette right then and there, but as I look to my watch, its already eleven at night. I don't have any Marlboro Light Menthols, and walking outside to get one is not exactly an exciting charade. Too much effort. Concentrate! You can do this. Write something about this dancer will you? Anything. So then i started typing: “Saat tubuh mulai menari, beribu filosofi Jawa ikut mengalun dalam setiap jentikan jemari dan tapakan kaki.” Not bad! The saying that creativity needs a little boost from the mighty cigarette is downright bullshit!

I finished my article, a damn good one if I may say so!

Location: bed, bedroom

I dream of smoking, with this huge guilt that I broke my own vow. So I declared deep in my heart that I wont tell a single soul that I smoked just that once. Even to him! God! I'm becoming overly desperate! And it was just a dream! (phew!?)

I guess I do miss it a lot!

But that doesn't mean I'm giving in!

love parasite

2005-08-09T05:45:00.000-07:00

i never imagined i could be so similar to an organism as adversely as a parasite all this time. How ridiculous of me admitting that i have so much love to give, when all i think about is myself. All i have been doing is absorbing love nutrients from a more solid host without contributing significantly to it, although i actually could. What benefit did i seek from this unruly interaction? i certainly never meant to harm any host. God forbid if i ever turn into a parasitoid. But in a way, i tend to kill the love inside the host with my parasitic ways. Because love demands a type of symbiosis thats mutual. By one definition, parasitism can be called a certain symbiosis, although another definition excludes it, since it requires that the host benefit from the interaction as well as the parasite. Give and take. The two words both individuals expect from a relationship. Take the lovingly odd relationship of an Egyptian Plover bird and the crocodile for example. The crocodile openly invites the bird to hunt parasites on his body. Even going so far as to open the jaws to allow the bird enter the mouth. For the bird's part, this relationship not only is a ready source of food, but also a safe one. Considering that few predator species would dare strike at the bird at such close proximity to its host.

Unlike the happy plover bird and crocodile, my relationships tend to resemble the likes of an aquatic leech to any kind of host. Take take take is probably what i've been doing all along, of course with some minor not-so-personal giving here and there. Just like a leech, i suck the love out of my significant other with my endless negativity. What kind of negativity you ask? Insecurity, selfishness, cynicism, skepticism, doubt, distrust, defensiveness, you name it! I attach myself to a specific host after certain amount of strategies in finding one. I remain with one until i become full of realization that i have more than enough love than i need. In this point is where i fall off, exactly like the blood consuming leech when they digest.

I never intended to keep being like a parasital leech with him. I wanted us to be the bird and the crocodile. But who could've guessed my negativity (the core parasite) of my whole being (a parasital host) made me a hyperparasite. This is what a parasite having a host that is itself also a parasite is called (phew, that was hard!)This means i can't get rid of those negativities as i easily as i thought. Oh what is a parasite to do? But fortunately, the host i'm attached with right now evolves an elaborate defensive mechanism. Quite a massive one i might add. Such as plants that often produce toxins which deters both parasitic fungi and bacteria as well as herbivores, he made me face my negativities and refused to be harmed because of them. It is anything but normal for a parasite as myself to be irritated by the daring host's request, at first. But beyond all the fuss concerning the parasite and the host lies a magnificent thing. Love. Making even the deadliest parasite to consider evolving acts of adaptation to a particular host. This parasite just hopes that we gradually coevolve into a relatively stable relationship.

self motivation

2005-07-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

">nggak tau kenapa.
stengah hari dihabisin untuk gambar ini.
mungkin alam bawah sadar brusaha untuk ngingetin:
apapun yang terjadi, ya hadepin!

Do'a Yang Indah

2005-07-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

Aku meminta kepada Tuhan untuk menyingkirkan
penderitaanku.
Tuhan menjawab, Tidak.
Itu bukan untuk Kusingkirkan, tetapi agar kau
mengalahkannya.

Aku meminta kepada Tuhan untuk menyempurnakan
kecacatanku.
Tuhan menjawab, Tidak.
Jiwa adalah sempurna, badan hanyalah sementara.

Aku meminta kepada Tuhan untuk menghadiahkanku
kesabaran.
Tuhan menjawab, Tidak.
Kesabaran adalah hasil dari kesulitan; itu tidak
dihadiahkan,itu dipelajari.

Aku meminta kepada Tuhan untuk memberiku kebahagiaan.
Tuhan menjawab, Tidak.
Aku memberimu berkat, kebahagiaan adalah tergantung
padamu.

Aku meminta kepada Tuhan untuk menjauhkan penderitaan.
Tuhan menjawab, Tidak.
Penderitaan menjauhkanmu dari perhatian dunia dan
membawamu pendekat padaKU.

Aku meminta kepada Tuhan untuk menumbuhkan rohku.
Tuhan menjawab, Tidak.
Kau harus menumbuhkannya sendiri, tetapi Aku akan
memangkas untuk membuatmu berbuah.

Aku meminta kepada Tuhan segala hal sehingga aku dapat
menikmati hidup.
Tuhan menjawab, Tidak.
Aku akan memberimu hidup, sehingga kau dapat menikmati
segala hal.

Aku meminta kepada Tuhan membantuku mengasihi orang
lain, seperti Ia mengasihiku.
Tuhan menjawab Ahhh, akhirnya kau mengerti.

"HARI INI ADALAH MILIKMU JANGAN SIA-SIAKAN
Bagi dunia kau mungkin hanyalah seseorang,
Tetapi bagi seseorang kau mungkin adalah dunianya."

*the last prayer he wanted me to read.

haunting absence

2005-07-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

i look up, and i can see him
in every leaf of trees
i look down, there his footsteps
wont seem to dissapear

i look to the right, and i can see
his arms reaching for me
to the left, i can see his love
as wide as the sea.

but when i look around...
he is nowhere near.

in loving memoriam of
destiadi 'demit' nurgianto.
4 juli 2005

questioning the mark

2005-06-28T06:01:00.000-07:00

- badly drawn on the year 2003.
"did i imagine you?"

make me whole

2005-06-27T03:48:00.000-07:00

Darling I want you to listen
I stayed up all night, so I can get this thing right
And I don't think there's anything missing
Cause a person like you, made it easy to do
I've waited for so long, to sing to you this song

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

I think the angels are your brothers, yeah
They told you about me, said you're just what she needs
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name

If there's one thing that's true
It's that I was born to love you

- Amel Larrieux

...honey, wished i wrote this song for u

intangible joy

2005-06-21T07:10:00.000-07:00

“if u can still remember the pain,
yet still have the courage to might someday face it, again,
so whats left for us to say?”

i had to quote this from a dear friend. just because it hit me right to the core (truly inspiring, sa! you couldn't have said it any better). i was deliriously happy the past whole month. eventually having the one thing i ever wanted for ages kept me in that state of high. too happy that it actually terrifies me. it was a personal fear at the beginning. but later on, several 'spectators' lets me in the know of what they thought about the whole thing. i was taken aback with what they had to say. maybe because it was an unwanted burst to my bubble. but they got a point. unsurprisingly, it got me thinking.

it even tamed my happiness a bit. self defense? don't blame a girl for trying. the truth is, all those opinions seemed like a highway of confusing information speeding through my head. differing, one from another. one went a certain way, while the other fled to an entirely different direction. i got lost. not that i listen to what people have to say so much, but a couple of them accidentally opened up a long hidden wound. which turned out not entirely hidden after all. they meant well though, considering these are my closest friends. they just don't want to see me get hurt. again.

to be honest, those hurting days were nowhere near my mind prior the impact. so i was overwhelmed when it flooded my subconscious. it made a significant bang down inside and acted out physically. yet another sleepless night. don't they know that i too have those kind of thoughts? do they realize that they are merely justifying my deepest fear? did they have to actually say it out loud? no, no and yes.

maybe i deserve that kind of blow. i have been keeping it with me all this time anyway. and now that its out in the open, i embrace it completely. its a fact that i have to deal with. thanks to my ever so lovely friend, i got the the precise definition of my actions. courage. the ultimate dare of feeling happy and hurt all over. this intangible joy might seem terrifying, but i wouldn't want to trade this heavenly thing we have for anything in the world. it's just too damn powerful to give up.

i'd fall for you again, any given time.

Te queiro Lew.

drama kecil kehidupan

2005-04-05T03:57:00.000-07:00

abysmalrocks: bebeh
Yahoo! Messenger: abysmalrocks has signed back in
Yahoo! Messenger: abysmalrocks is away (Idle)
knoxvillelava: hei sa
knoxvillelava: sori
knoxvillelava: baru balik dari liputan
knoxvillelava: gimana kemaren lamarannya?
knoxvillelava: sukses?
Yahoo! Messenger: abysmalrocks is back
abysmalrocks: jutsi
abysmalrocks: tunangan kali, lamaranmah udah lama lewats
abysmalrocks: yaaaaaa, begitulah. berjalan dengan lancar sih
knoxvillelava: oya tunangaaan
knoxvillelava: beda ya mangnya?
abysmalrocks: huehehe, ngga beda ya?
abysmalrocks: maklum, masih jauh dari dunia begituan
abysmalrocks: jadi kurang peduli
abysmalrocks: :D
knoxvillelava: betul sekali
abysmalrocks: eh juti, gue restart dulu yaw
abysmalrocks: kompinya erors
knoxvillelava: kenapaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa???
knoxvillelava: huahahahahaha
knoxvillelava: ya su go ahead
abysmalrocks: tong seuri dul
abysmalrocks: =))
Yahoo! Messenger: abysmalrocks has signed off
Yahoo! Messenger: abysmalrocks has signed back in
abysmalrocks: baaaaaaaaack
abysmalrocks: woiii
abysmalrocks: jutiiii
abysmalrocks: :((
knoxvillelava: huahahahahahahaha
knoxvillelava: sori
knoxvillelava: tadi ngalor ngidul bentar
knoxvillelava: so so
knoxvillelava: gimana?
knoxvillelava: eh uthe ntar kawinannya dimananya pondok gede sih?
knoxvillelava: gereja?
abysmalrocks: di gedung sejahtera
abysmalrocks: di jl. raya pondok gede
abysmalrocks: deket asrama haji
knoxvillelava: gampang ya ngedapetinnya?
knoxvillelava: ga fully booked?
abysmalrocks: eh, cariin model rambut buat tante sarah donk, buat hari h nya
knoxvillelava: eh model rambut apa nih? pas kondangannya?
abysmalrocks: dia kan mesennya udah 6 bulan lalu gitu
abysmalrocks: itu tuh gedung buat pesta batak
knoxvillelava: owwh
abysmalrocks: iya rambut (dikonde gitu ya?)
knoxvillelava: hmmm...ga stylish
abysmalrocks: buat kondangannya
knoxvillelava: mendingan yang poninya naik sa
knoxvillelava: lebih happening
abysmalrocks: hehehe, itu udah kemaren pas buat tunangannya
knoxvillelava: owwwwh
knoxvillelava: tapi polos kan?
abysmalrocks: gue pengen sesuaatu yang pake bunga pink muda getoooh
abysmalrocks: :D
knoxvillelava: iya tuh gue juga baru mo bilang harus pake bunga
knoxvillelava: yang agak gede tapi ya sa
knoxvillelava: jadi rambut lo dicepol, tapi agak nyamping getoh, poni tinggi, trus pas dicepolan dikasih bunga deh
knoxvillelava: gimana? gimana?
knoxvillelava: ok ga?
abysmalrocks: ada fotonya gaaaa? biar si tukang salonnya ga bingung
knoxvillelava: huahahahahahahaha
abysmalrocks: exactly what i had in mind sih
knoxvillelava: ga ada juga kali gue
abysmalrocks: atau pake hair extention, panjang agak keriting2, dikesampingin dikasih bunga
abysmalrocks: huahahaha, sibukan gue dari pada si uthe jadinya
knoxvillelava: iya itu juga boleh
knoxvillelava: lebih santai
knoxvillelava: ini gue baru liat
knoxvillelava: di cosmo bride terbaru
knoxvillelava: pas di fashionnya, lo bisa bawa buat contoh kan sa
abysmalrocks: huaaaaaaa, hasil kerjakerasmu ituw yaaaaaa
knoxvillelava: tapi disini poninya tetep tinggi
knoxvillelava: betul sekali :@)
knoxvillelava: dan tau ga sih lo?
knoxvillelava: masa meeting besok, kita bakal meeting buat juni juli
knoxvillelava: bunuh aja gue sekaliaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!!!!!!!!
abysmalrocks: :))
abysmalrocks: udah abis ya, sisa2 kesenangan bonus 2x gaji itu
knoxvillelava: nyaris ga berasa malah!
knoxvillelava: huahahahahahahaha
knoxvillelava: ratapan budak mra
abysmalrocks: huehehehehe
abysmalrocks: gue rasa emang kerja dimana2 ga ada yagn menyenangkan yah jut
abysmalrocks: hiks
abysmalrocks: langsung lemes gue kalu ngomong soal kerjaan
knoxvillelava: yup betul sekali
knoxvillelava: hasilnya, kemaren gue bolos aja gitu
knoxvillelava: setelah sekian lama ga bolos, akhirnya gue sempet juga ga peduli sama kantor
knoxvillelava: hehehehehe emang dah lewat deadline juga seeeeeh
abysmalrocks: owhhhh, kemaren kau tuh bolos
abysmalrocks: kukira liputan entah ke dunia mana
abysmalrocks: terus, ngapain?
knoxvillelava: hmmm bangun siang
knoxvillelava: trus jalan2 cari notebook
abysmalrocks: whuaaaks, hebat mau beli notebook
abysmalrocks: :D
knoxvillelava: iya nih, soalnya komputer gue di rumah pan dah busuk bener sa
abysmalrocks: trus2, cari yang ada wi fi nya duonkkks
knoxvillelava: gue rencananya mo beli ibook
knoxvillelava: berarti blom ada wifi nya
knoxvillelava: harus ditambahin sendiri tuh
abysmalrocks: i book as in mac?
knoxvillelava: yup
abysmalrocks: whakkkkks, mahal bukan
abysmalrocks: ?
knoxvillelava: hmmm kinda
knoxvillelava: tapi dibandingin sama notebook non mac yang baru, ibook lebih murah
abysmalrocks: owh ya?
abysmalrocks: mau cari yang kecil apa yang gede?
knoxvillelava: yg kecil
knoxvillelava: 12"
abysmalrocks: udah dapet blum harganya berapa kira2?
knoxvillelava: udah dapet banget
knoxvillelava: 9 jt
knoxvillelava: soalnya gue pikir, daripada gue beli notebook yang non mac, takutnya kena virus macem2 sa
knoxvillelava: kalo mac tuh jarang banget kena virus, hampir ga pernah denger malah mac yang terkontaminasi
abysmalrocks: ha? yang bener? mac ga pernah kena virus?
knoxvillelava: nah kmaren gue liat di ambassador malah lebih ok lagi, powerbook, second, tapi memorinya gede, 9 jt!
knoxvillelava: iya, jarang banget deh pokoknya
abysmalrocks: udah dipake brapa lama?
knoxvillelava: sayangnya si powerbook yang waktu itu pengen langsung gue beli ternyata dvdnya macet
abysmalrocks: y aaaaaa
abysmalrocks: eh, tapi powerbook bukannya gedew ya?
knoxvillelava: nope ini powerbook yg 12" juga
knoxvillelava: huuu padahal kmaren gue dah seneng aja gitu sa
knoxvillelava: walaupun silver (gue kan pengennya ibook yang warna putih) tapi kondisinya masih bagus banget
knoxvillelava: untung dicoba dulu semuanya sebelum beli
knoxvillelava: tadinya 9.75 tapi dikasih tuh pas nawar 9
knoxvillelava: tapi ngeri juga sih kalo dah rusak gitu
knoxvillelava: makanya skrg balik ke rencana semula, beli ibook tapi yg baru
abysmalrocks: waiiit, interupsi bentar
abysmalrocks: elu kenal denny bi ga>
abysmalrocks: ?
knoxvillelava: kenal, tapi ga tau deh kalo gue masih inget mukanya, or dia masih inget gue
knoxvillelava: kenapa mangnya?
abysmalrocks: bekas anak yasporbi kan?
knoxvillelava: yes
abysmalrocks: he just passed away about 1 minute ago
abysmalrocks: ngeri yaaaaaaa
knoxvillelava: SUMPAAAAAAH LOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
knoxvillelava: siapa yg ngabarin?
abysmalrocks: sumpah, gue dikasihtau dinda barusan
knoxvillelava: ya ampun
abysmalrocks: dari temen2nya gituh
knoxvillelava: denny yang kecil kan?
abysmalrocks: kasih tau gih kalu ada temen2nya dia yang elu kenal
abysmalrocks: pas sma sih udah membesar dan meninggi kayaknya
knoxvillelava: dia sakit apa sih sa?
knoxvillelava: kata temen gue dia emang masuk rumah sakit sih
abysmalrocks: hiya, dia jatuh katanya sih
abysmalrocks: sempet operasi
abysmalrocks: terus tadi siang anfal
knoxvillelava: jatuh kenapa?
abysmalrocks: dan lagnsung passed away gituh
knoxvillelava: ya ampun inalilahi
abysmalrocks: gilaaaa, gue emang ga terlalu kenal ama dia sih
abysmalrocks: tapi shocking yaaaaaa
knoxvillelava: shocking sekali!
abysmalrocks: hiks, gue deg2an gituh
knoxvillelava: iiiih kan dia masih seumuran kita ya sarah
abysmalrocks: hiks, life
abysmalrocks: what can we say
knoxvillelava: jadi sedih ya?
abysmalrocks: bangeeeet
knoxvillelava: si dinda pergi ngelayat ga?
abysmalrocks: ngga tau, ntar gue tanya
abysmalrocks: elu mau ngelayat juts?
knoxvillelava: kayanya ga bisa juga hari ini
abysmalrocks: hmmm, gue juga kayaknya
abysmalrocks: lagi gloomy, dan ga mau bertambah gloomy
abysmalrocks: *so selfish of me todo so yaaaa*
knoxvillelava: ga juga sih
knoxvillelava: you have the right to feel so
abysmalrocks: :D
knoxvillelava: kamu pun kenapa lagi gloomy?
abysmalrocks: ga tau nih
abysmalrocks: gue pun bingung
abysmalrocks: berapa hari (or bulan kali ya)
abysmalrocks: belakangan ini berasa gloomy banget
knoxvillelava: apakah karena si unicef itoh?
abysmalrocks: tadinya gue pikir gara2 mau mens
abysmalrocks: tapi ngga juga tuh
abysmalrocks: hiks, unicef itu mah sudah berubah
abysmalrocks: dari diharapkan menjadi menyebalkan
abysmalrocks: masa, gue minta portfolio gue balik susaaaaaaaaaaah banget
knoxvillelava: mungkin karena dirimyu sudah lama tak bertemu akyu
abysmalrocks: padahal si interviewer gue waktu itu udah janji, itu ditinggalin buat dibalikin
knoxvillelava: aduh sarah, kalo misalnya kangen bilang aja deh
abysmalrocks: kangeeeeeeeeeeen
abysmalrocks: :D
knoxvillelava: tuh kan. feel better?
knoxvillelava: HUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
abysmalrocks: :))
abysmalrocks: secara ajaib, gue berhasil tersenyum siiiih
knoxvillelava: hihihihihihihi
knoxvillelava: thats a good start tho
knoxvillelava: jadi apa saja yang telah lo lakukan untuk mengusir ke gloomy-an lo itu?
abysmalrocks: itulah
abysmalrocks: gue tidak melakukan apa2
abysmalrocks: ngga ngerti mau ngapain
abysmalrocks: makanya makin terjebak
knoxvillelava: tuh kan
knoxvillelava: u have to do something
knoxvillelava: ke bali yuuu?
knoxvillelava: si monique mo pemotretan di bali, dapet kamarnya di ritz ajah gitu
abysmalrocks: kapan?
knoxvillelava: 13-17
abysmalrocks: kawinan kakakku
abysmalrocks: :((
knoxvillelava: iya sih
abysmalrocks: eh, aku ngudud dulu yaw
knoxvillelava: makanya tadi gue berpikir pasti ga ada harapan
abysmalrocks: pusying nichhhhh
knoxvillelava: waaa gue juga mo nguds
Yahoo! Messenger: abysmalrocks is away (Idle)
Yahoo! Messenger: abysmalrocks is back
abysmalrocks: r u back?
knoxvillelava: here already
abysmalrocks: heheheh guuuuud
knoxvillelava: lagi blom bisa kerja nih gue
knoxvillelava: kesenengan lepas deadline
abysmalrocks: hihihi
abysmalrocks: sebenernya enak juga ya ada per deadline an
abysmalrocks: jadi kalu selesai bisa rada longgar
abysmalrocks: ga kaya gue
abysmalrocks: hectic muluuuuuuuuuuuu
abysmalrocks: bikin tambah malas jadinya
knoxvillelava: huahahahahahahahha
knoxvillelava: jgn buru2 bilang enakan ada deadline
knoxvillelava: bikin stres tau sa
knoxvillelava: apalagi untuk seorang perfeksionis seperti gue
abysmalrocks: iya juga sih, sebelumnya pasti kerja ampe mencrets
knoxvillelava: kalo lewat deadline kayanya dosa banget getoh
abysmalrocks: eh, emang semua orang kerja tuh merasa menderita ya?
abysmalrocks: ato gue aja berlebihan?
knoxvillelava: berlebihan sih nggak sa
knoxvillelava: tapi namanya juga kerja, nobody likes to do it
knoxvillelava: right?
knoxvillelava: tapi it helps kalo you love what you do
knoxvillelava: jadi berasanya nggak terlalu menderita
knoxvillelava: ya nggak sih?
abysmalrocks: iya siiiiih. gue kayaknya belum pernah berasa punya passion sama yang gue kerjain
knoxvillelava: tapi pasti masih ada lah keluhan2 soal kerjaan yg ada deadline lah, org2 yg nyebelin lah, lousy pay lah
abysmalrocks: it's all about obligation
abysmalrocks: eh, tapi kalu dipikir2 sih, gue tuh semangat banget kalu lagi ngerjain sj
knoxvillelava: yeah u should find something u love doing
abysmalrocks: mau dirubah sejuta kali, sampe gue tidur subuh, juga kayaknya sih ga ada beban
knoxvillelava: sj lo biasanya apa?
knoxvillelava: nulis?
abysmalrocks: writings, creative thinking/concept
knoxvillelava: see?
knoxvillelava: mendingan cari kerjaan seputar itu sa
abysmalrocks: bisa ga yang bikin semangat bukan writingsnya, tapi pikiran bakal dapet duit
abysmalrocks: secara gue matre gitu looooh
abysmalrocks: :D
knoxvillelava: bisa jadi juga sih
knoxvillelava: easy money kan?
knoxvillelava: lo langsung dapet hasilnya dari kerja keras lo
knoxvillelava: langsung secara riil
knoxvillelava: bukan a pat in the back ato malahan tambahan kerja lain
knoxvillelava: huahahahahahahaha
knoxvillelava: just big fat pay check!
abysmalrocks: huahahaha, benarrrrrrrr
abysmalrocks: kemaren gue baru mikir2
abysmalrocks: sejak 2 taun lalu, kayaknya hidup gue ga ada perubahan gituh
knoxvillelava: really?
knoxvillelava: punya mobil baru ga cukup bikin perubahankah?
knoxvillelava: teeheehee
abysmalrocks: kikikik, tidak sepertinya sih
abysmalrocks: kan, dulu juga gue udah biasa bawa mobil ndiri
abysmalrocks: hiks
knoxvillelava: nah skarang mendingan coba naik bis deh ke kantor
knoxvillelava: lo harus cari suasana baru sa
knoxvillelava: kaya waktu itu gue kan lama banget naik bis ke kantor
knoxvillelava: hampir setiap hari
knoxvillelava: akhirnya gue naik taksi
knoxvillelava: udah beberapa bulan ini deh
abysmalrocks: yeahhhh, nanti suasana barunya jadi sarah tanpa hp dan dompet karena kecolongan di jalan gitu loooh
knoxvillelava: huahahahahahahahaha
knoxvillelava: potong rambut gih
knoxvillelava: ato nggak dikriting
knoxvillelava: lagi happening banget loh sa curly
knoxvillelava: apalagi rambut lo kan dah panjang
abysmalrocks: :D
abysmalrocks: that's something to think about
abysmalrocks: hmmmmmmmmmm
abysmalrocks: tadinya kepikiran buat merahin rambyut sih
knoxvillelava: stuju!!!!!
knoxvillelava: ya kalo dikritingin rambut emang kudu diwarnain pula
knoxvillelava: biar keliatan teksturnya
abysmalrocks: hmmmmmm
abysmalrocks: tempat yang bagus?
abysmalrocks: eh, keriting membuatku bertambah bulet tak?
knoxvillelava: tak!
abysmalrocks: cause that's not the kind of change i'm looking for
knoxvillelava: di headquarters bagus kata monique
abysmalrocks: di semanggi atau di ta?
knoxvillelava: hmmm kurang tau tuh
abysmalrocks: eh, cosmo bride edition itu harganya braps?
knoxvillelava: 32000
abysmalrocks: itu bonus bulan ini atau edisi khusus wedding sih?
knoxvillelava: bonus kok
abysmalrocks: owh, guuuuuud
abysmalrocks: nanti akuw beli
abysmalrocks: hehe, to think of it, gue emang kurang hiburan yaaaaaa
knoxvillelava: itu dia sa kayanya yg paling2 akut dari lo
abysmalrocks: beli majalah jarang, beli buku apalagi,
knoxvillelava: masa sih gue ajak kmana2 ga pernah mau
knoxvillelava: u need to see people, meet new ones geto loh
abysmalrocks: itu dia jut, masalahnya kalu lagi gloomy tuh biasanya semuanya jadi salahhhhh
knoxvillelava: ga boleh diikutin itu si rasa gloomy
abysmalrocks: hiks
knoxvillelava: lo harus janji sama gue, kalo gue ajak jalan ga boleh nolak, kecuali kalo emang alasannya reasonable banget
knoxvillelava: gimana?
knoxvillelava: setuju?
abysmalrocks: hehehehewwwwwww, setujuuuuuuw
knoxvillelava: nah gitu doong
knoxvillelava: gila lo sa
knoxvillelava: dah berapa lama ya kita ga ketemu
knoxvillelava: sampe lupa gue muke lo kaya gimana bentuknya
knoxvillelava: huahahahahahahahahaha
abysmalrocks: :))
abysmalrocks: gue kirimin foto gue mauuuu?
knoxvillelava: tenang, di dompet gue ada kok
knoxvillelava: terpampang pula!
abysmalrocks: :))
knoxvillelava: dan semua yg liat pasti nanya adek lo ya tan?
abysmalrocks: :))
abysmalrocks: sumpe luuuuuu?
knoxvillelava: iye
knoxvillelava: sampe bosen gue ngejawabnya
abysmalrocks: eh, masa yaaa, pas tunangannya uthe kemaren kan,
abysmalrocks: gue niat banget tuh dandan, sampe make upnya setebel tripleks
abysmalrocks: hihihihi, banyak yang bilang saya cantikkkkk
abysmalrocks: :">
knoxvillelava: ya pastinya laaaaaaaah
abysmalrocks: udah lama ngga bersosialisasi
knoxvillelava: dirimu pun sekarang pasti kurus sekali ya?
abysmalrocks: jadi denger pujian dikit langsung merekah
abysmalrocks: nggaaaaaa, menggendut malahan
knoxvillelava: alah boong banget!
abysmalrocks: ngga olahraga + gloomy = makan banyak
abysmalrocks: sumpeeeeee dehhhhh
knoxvillelava: trakhir gue ktemu lo kan kurus tyuh
abysmalrocks: hmmm, naik 2 kg an lah sejak itu
abysmalrocks: :D
knoxvillelava: iya itu dia, lo harus lebih sering bersosialisasi!
knoxvillelava: monyong! cuma 2 kilo!
knoxvillelava: gue nih dah sampe eneg smua acara sosialisasi gue datengin, sampe2 acara makan malam timur ma nyokap dan sodara2nya pun gue dateng. giting ga tuh?
abysmalrocks: maaaaaaan, 2 kg di badan gue yang udah buled ini kan keliataaaaaaaaan
abysmalrocks: ha??? ko bisa gituhhhhh?
knoxvillelava: ya si timur kan paling nggak bisa ditinggalin berdua sama nyokap ato orang tua yang punya hubungan darah sama dia
knoxvillelava: jadi kita diiming2i steak gratis kalo ikut
knoxvillelava: secara kita budak nafsu, ya kita ikut lah
abysmalrocks: huahahahaha, parahh luuuuu
abysmalrocks: demi steak gretong menyiksa diriw
abysmalrocks: kikikik
knoxvillelava: nyiksa diri sih nggak
knoxvillelava: secara gue pun bisa melihat kalo sebenernya nyokapnya timur itu suka nyanyi di gandy, dan ternyata tantenya timur juga bisa nyanyi, sementara si timur goblog itu suaranya ancur banget
knoxvillelava: yaah u need to see life around u, other than yourselfs that is
Yahoo! Messenger: abysmalrocks is back

life's big humor

2005-02-14T05:29:00.000-08:00

life can be so funny. it always finds a way to make you still want to live it. i realized this after a couple of major events that occurred recently in my so-called life. sure, everybody always say that life is full of ups and downs. but to me, the extremist, life can make me want to leave the world or either claim it as my own.

by taking a glimpse back to the past, i noted several similar situations. never was my feelings of helplessness about some crisis wasn't followed with a great passion to enjoy life's great offerings. i guess thats the balance of living. without it, maybe i would go insane ages ago. just imagine a person with agony all his life. you can't! because even the slightest kindness, littlest surprise, tiniest gesture that one comes upon with after a huge despair can result even the faintest joy.

as a naïve little girl, i once believed that every tear i shred would always be replaced with a smile. i hang on to this until several years later. with a shameful demand that life will keep its promise. so i used to wait for something good to happen after several unfortunate events. luckily, they always did. even the most non shattering situation such as a bad hair day followed by a wrong bus route and climaxed with a black out at home can be forgotten just like that by a call from a crush in the middle of the night. aahh... those college days. but time after time, i realized something. the distance between one catastrophe and a delightful experience seems to farther. i have to at least wait weeks, months even years to see a silver lining after a cloud.

but still, in the end there will be something afterward to be happy about. o but merely puppets we all are to the almighty god.

all i need to do now is wait for the next mishap to happen.

ps: thanks for the temporary joy, god. really appreciate it.

true friends

2005-02-07T05:54:00.000-08:00

a very interesting situation trapped me this evening. i was in the middle of friends that chatter about just everything from a super pussy show someone just enjoyed in his trip to bangkok to a depth conversation concerning the latest no eyeliner rave of the make up trend. everyone opened up their mouths with a topic (sometimes illustrated with an extraordinary mimic to accompany even the shallowest issue) to grab the small discussion's full attention. they definitely got mine, i can tell you that. so there i was busy listening to whatever miraculous thought that stimulated each and every one of my friends head, not realizing that i ended up shutting my mouth the whole time. all i did was nod, laugh or eyeballing somebody when they included me in one of their sarcastic jokes.

in a micro of a second, it got to me. so this is what people see when i interact with my loud friends. i don't deny the fact that i use exaggerations, either tone of voice or words, when i excitedly talk about something that i think is sooo important. and you know what? what i see is not exactly a pretty sight. all that stuff they talk about is actually ridiculously unimportant! so it's understandable that in that micro of a second, i felt incredibly silly. what was i trying to do? trying desperately to always be the center of attention? haha. it sure does waste a lot energy. first of all, ones voice should be louder than the rest of a group of spectators if one was to be listened. second, ones knowledge of interesting topics and ways of delivering it should be clever enough if one was to be considered not boring. last but not least, ones creativity on coming up with a witty remark should always be fresh if one was not to be considered dumb whenever one actually said something incredibly wrong.

see the effort i go through whenever i'm interacting with people i try so hard to label as friends? i feel drained right there and then. should i go to all that trouble just to have a friend to at least care about what i think or feel? should i always try to impress everyone so they at least realize that i exist? should i be somebody else (usually somebody everyone wants me to be) to get along great with everyone? god! it seems i'm repeating high school all over again. i ditched that phase years ago, and there i was reliving it again. so in another micro of a second later, i excused myself from this loud circle of friends of mine and headed back to my desk.

and that was the point when i realized that i was blessed with true friends. that even though far from sight, they're always ready to accept me for what i am. i need not raise my voice, for even with a slight whisper they hear every word i have to say. i need not try too hard to come up with a spectacular subject to broach, for they are aware that being bored together was better than nothing at all. i need not act smart, for they know absolutely well that they can laugh at me with the precise knowledge that they wouldn't belittle me in any way.

i called and met these true friends of mine later on, and chat about nothing and everything all at the same time. and with just that, they already made my day.

ha! and the say women come from venus!

2005-02-04T01:38:00.000-08:00

greetings.
me from uranus.
haha

You Are From Uranus

You shine with brilliant creativity, and you're more than a little eccentric.
You love everything unusual and shocking. You're one far-out chick or dude.
Anything unconventional excites you - and you have genius potential.
Just don't let your rebel side get the best of you, or else you'll alienate everyone.
Your original thinking and funky attitude is all you need to be you.

What Planet Are You From?

kejamnya dunia kerja

2005-02-01T03:00:00.000-08:00

gue nggak pernah nyangka. ternyata kantor bisa jadi tempat kejadian perkara. bukan mayat yang bisa kita temuin di tkp itu, karena yang jadi korban bukan fisik tapi lebih ke harga diri, perasaan dan semangat orang. gara-gara kejadian yang lagi dialamin orang paling dekat gue, akhirnya gue bisa lihat sendiri gimana status temen sama sekali nggak akan berlaku when it comes to office matters. yang ada cuma individu per individu yang harus mempertahankan kedudukan mereka. no mercy whatsoever.

apa jadinya kalo tiba-tiba gue ditusuk dari belakang kaya gitu? semua daya upaya untuk do the best bukan cuma untuk diri sendiri tapi kesuksesan perusahaan dihargai dengan ketakutan oknum lain yang merasa terancam? nggak pernah kebayang sama gue. it's easy for me to say sama dia untuk sabar dan not to think about it. tapi gue tau apa? gue nggak tau rasanya kaya gimana...

mungkin gue nggak seloyal dia. mungkin gue nggak mau disuruh ke percetakan tengah malem cuma supaya majalah nggak telat terbit. mungkin gue bukan termasuk orang yang concern sama deadline editorial yang mundur trus akhirnya minta dengan cara yang keras supaya teks cepet-cepet ditransfer ke artistik. mungkin gue akan menolak kalo pimpinan redaksi gue minta gue dateng hari sabtu untuk lembur. gue nggak punya semua kualitas baik itu. tapi apakah sebaliknya, orang yang jelas-jelas dapet nilai tambah untuk setiap poin diatas tadi harus dapet imbalan perasaan tak berharga? support dari temen-temennya yang tau betul semua pengorbanan dan effort yang udah dia lakukan pun ternyata sama sekali nggak ada.

ternyata kita bener-bener cuma sekedar mur dan baut dari sebuah sistem. nggak lebih.

* hang in there beib. it's their loss.

to write or not to write

2005-01-28T03:24:00.000-08:00

i'm still alive!
that is if you're wondering though.
ternyata banyak orang yang memacu gue untuk terus menulis. lemme see... udah berapa lama ya, sejak posting terakhir gue? juli? 2004?! omg! dan sekarang udah hampir akhir Januari di tahun 2005. oh, well.

kenapa cuti nge-blog? banyak alasan. sibuk itu alasan standar. males, alasan alamiah. nggak tau mau nulis apa, alasan yang dibuat-buat. alasan yang paling mendasar: gue sempet ngerasa nulis (in general) jadi sesuatu yang HARUS gue lakukan, bukannya sesuatu yang INGIN gue lakukan. there's a big difference between the two. nggak tau deh berapa banyak draft tulisan untuk blog di folder gue yang kebanyakan ngegantung nggak jelas. sedangkan tulisan-tulisan reguler di majalah yang harus gue kerjain, tuntas dan tepat jadwal deadline.

lama-lama gue terjebak dengan kondisi diharuskan menulis daripada mau menulis. apa dengan begini, i'm just a so-called writer? but hey, what's the big deal anyway? semua orang bisa nulis kan? kita diajarin kok dari sd dulu. yang ngebedain cuma teknik, pemikiran dan gaya bahasa. dulu gue nulis untuk kesenangan gue sendiri. ngeluarin pikiran-pikiran gue dalam bentuk yang lebih jelas, lebih nyata: kata-kata. nggak keitung berapa banyak buku tulis yang gue beri label journal sejak sd dulu.

sekarang? i'm a full time writer. i have to write. everyday.

and it's all scripted out. “tolong tulis tentang ini dan itu. sesuaikan gaya bahasa yang sudah ada.” ya nggak salah juga sih, secara gue emang udah memutuskan untuk menjadi penulis di sebuah majalah dengan image yang paten. melenceng dari outline yang udah ditentuin jelas a big no no! but somehow, this barrier shrinks my tendency to write about what i think. i write what people want to read.

ha! no more mister nice guy!
i'm gonna start writing whatever it is i want!
some people really want to read what i think anyway. right, rene?

i think therefore i’m depressed

2004-07-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

Contrary to Descartes’ popular beliefs, to me thinking actually can harm ones physical and mental condition. Especially when thinking becomes too deep and too wide. I found myself in this kind of state for months, and I had the privilege to realize this fact with the utmost annoyingly dismay, two days ago.

Another mind squelching issue rose to the surface that day. It made me think. Not harder as usual, but the thought crossed my mind from time to time. Another unwanted input adding several other problems that still lay undone inside my head. Unsurprisingly, my head started to pound again. Pulsating with vigorous power. Damn! I ran out of tranquilizers! It was one in the morning and visiting some drugstore on that kind of hour was not a pleasant thought.

So, I started a therapy. Unthinking. Clearing the mind. I hushed every single thought that entered my brain with one mantra. Focus on the white light I said to myself while shutting my eyes. Not even a minute passed by, my brain started to shout out: ‘what white light? I cant see any white light that I’m trying to focus on!’. I had to agree with this irritatingly yet true statement. So I changed the mantra: focus on black! [for all I can see IS black]

I heard my head full with this inner voice repeating the mantra over and over again with the hope that I don’t think about anything except blackness. Because my eyes were shut, my other sensors started to maximize its perception. Noises that are still audile in the middle of the night teased my brain to wonder and think. ‘What’s that buzzing sound? Why aren’t those people asleep? [when I heard a glimpse of shouting in the air]. Maybe they have some problems to work out. Expressing anger with extra amount of voice level could…STOP!! BLACK. BLACK. BLACK…'

I cant focus on not thinking. I can't stop thinking. About anything or everything. Distractions of every kind can trigger my brain to wonder and try to find explanations. After some powerful determination, I got the black image I was thinking about. But all of a sudden, in this black background, an image started to form. It began from the bottom, slowly creating an image of a leg of a chair. Forming one by one, until it is a whole leather chair. Then it became not just one, but two and three and finally created an imaginary lay out of a café. AAAARGH!!!!! I swept it away with the thought of black again. It vanished instantly….

I envy those who don’t think too much.

the doctors verdict

2004-07-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

after several months of annoying headaches and occasional black outs, finally i was rushed to the hospital. i guess my body cant stand the pain any longer. i barely even realized that i was in the emergency room, until some rude nurse poked the oxygen thingy with immense energy into my nostrils. is that some medical procedure or she was just some pain in the ass? beats me. but i cant do a thing about it and just responded with a slight shrug.

there i was lying helplessly with tears in my eyes. no, i'm not a cry baby. it just happens that my head seems to explode any second then. the pain is damaging me. reassurances from my man didn’t do much help either. and so comes the doctor.

after a quick diagnose [damn! how do they do that so fast?], he started to ask about the blackouts. 'does she always past out in the crowd, or at least when there's someone around?'. even he was asking this to demit, i silently approved it from afar. and then came the next question. 'does she work? where? as a?’ whats that got to do with my physical condition godamnit!!!! if had the energy, i would’ve insulted that middle aged man. obviously no amount of strength is left inside me, so i just listened. after several explanations, then comes his magic words: she’s just stressed out.

stress???!!!!!! i mean, i would say to my self and to others that I’m in a lot of pressure, stressed out and all. but never in my lifetime was I diagnosed by a doctor that i am in a state of stress! not convinced with that blabbermouth [stressed out people tend to deny things], i was determined to get a second opinion. what a coincidence, the previous doctors shift was over. enter second doctor.

this second doctor turned out to be my regular. thank god i thought, i bet he would know better. after an even much faster diagnose then the first doctor, the same word popped again: stress. he even categorized it as hysterical reaction. no more i can say but to agree. i certainly have been in a lot of pressure these past few months. tranquilizers it is then. pretty good prescription from the mighty doctor, cause my head seem a hell lot lighter.

hysterical reaction? hmmm…very interesting. so after feeling rather well, i checked the net about it. The closest thing I found was hysterical neurosis in www.medivisionindia.com. it said: “hysterical neurosis is a mental disorder in which an individual presents with physical symptoms (motor, sensory or visceral), memory disturbances or altered sensorium for which there are no demonstrable organic contributory factors and which are related to psychological conflicts.”

interestingly the following explanation seem so familiar: “when an individual presents with physical symptoms it is known as a 'hysterical conversion reaction”. it said that due to my psychosocial stressful event, my-so-called-hysterical reaction presents itself with some motor or sensory disturbances. in this case, my monstrous headaches and occasional black outs. and even though i detest these pain, i just try to cope and eventually became a habit. another interesting fact, cause the site said that “there may be lack of concern about development of these symptoms and individual may seem to enjoy these symptoms. The symptoms may fluctuate from time to time and may worsen in presence of crowd.” BINGO! my exact problem.

i really should try to relax…

headexplosive

2004-07-07T05:03:00.000-07:00

'undying pain in the head
started from sunrise till it sets
drugs devoured but with no avail
wish it stopped and depart to hell'

Damn! It rhymes!
A miracle. My head seems to explode but surprisingly, my brain didnt stop working. Its been over two weeks or so and still the headache lays comfortably in my skull. Probably doing some victory dance or something. Tried two kinds of painkillers this evening but even the highly recommended one didnt even make a slightest change. Immune to tranquilizers?? Oh shit no! Could it be something serious or am I just dying?

think before you go mad

2004-06-28T04:02:00.000-07:00

Emosi emang susah di kontrol, tapi apakah luapan emosi harus selalu membuat kita jadi bego dan tolol? Apa saat rasa marah datang, otak kita sama sekali jadi nggak jalan? Hmmmm...setiap orang emang beda. Tapi gue termasuk orang yang berusaha untuk mencerna kemarahan yang gue rasain. Kenapa gue marah? Siapa yang bikin gue marah? Apa perlu marah? Dan masih banyak pertanyaan lainnya. Kapan gue berpikir seperti ini? Waktu muka gue berubah pas ada sesuatu yang bikin gue marah. Lebih jutek atau lebih diem. Gue orangnya sensitif emang, emosional. Kadang-kadang sesuatu yang sepele aja bisa bikin gue marah. Mungkin karena hal ini juga gue jadi harus mikir seribu kali sebelum aneka caci maki keluar dari mulut gue.

Tapi gue rasa, mikir sebelum marah cukup penting buat dibiasain. Apalagi kalau rasa marah itu berhubungan dengan sesuatu yang formal [ lembaga misalnya ], hubungan serius atau urusan kantor. Banyak akibat yang bisa muncul gara-gara emosi balelol ini. Jelas, selalu yang negatif. Makanya muncul deh manajemen amarah atau istilah kerennya anger management. Ada terapinya segala malah. Gue sendiri blom terlalu banyak tau dan mencari tau tentang manajemen ini [ :p ]. Tapi gue sadar dan ngerti banget kenapa hal itu akhirnya muncul. Banyak yang sakit hati. Itu satu. Banyak yang nggak terima dimarahin. Dua. Keliatan kompetensinya [si orang yang marah] ternyata nggak sehebat yang gue kira. Ini dia yang paling ngeri.

Gara-gara dikuasai sama emosi yang sebenernya nggak perlu, ada beberapa orang yang sebenernya cerdas bisa berubah jadi orang yang kaya nggak pernah sekolah. Walaupun dibarengin sama intonasi serius dan muka sangar, kata-kata yang keluar dari mulutnya bak omongan ngaco yang nggak pake akal sehat. Lebih memalukan lagi kalau hal ini dilakukan di depan orang banyak. Tapi itu tergantung juga pada kesadaran orang-orang yang ada. Nggak masuk akalnya pernyataan seseorang pas marah jelas nggak bakal disadari kalo orang yang kena marah udah ketakutan sendiri. Kalau udah begini, situasinya jadi: si bego memarahi si bego. Hasilnya? Semua bego, nggak terkecuali jalan keluar yang akhirnya diambil. Jalan keluar yang bego.

Nggak jelasnya pikiran pas marah emang bikin banyak hal jadi salah. Termasuk omongan. Saking nggak dipikirin dulu kata-kata mereka sebelum bicara dengan nada tinggi dan mata melotot, mereka bisa mengeluarkan pernyataan yang malah bisa bikin mereka sendiri malu. Entah itu gara-gara kebegoan mereka terekspos atau menyatakan sesuatu yang bakal mereka sesalin nantinya. Padahal buat diri gue pribadi, kata-kata yang dinyatakan seseorang nggak bakal dan nggak mungkin ditarik kembali. Saat pernyataan sudah keluar, kata-kata lisan itu terekam di kepala dan nggak ada tombol delete-nya.

Gue kasian sama orang-orang kaya gini. Kredibilitas mereka di mata gue jelas berkurang satu poin. Karena cara mereka menghadapi rasa marah sama sekali nggak pinter. Gue juga belum tentu pinter ngadepin rasa marah gue, makanya gue pilih diem daripada bikin diri gue sendiri malu...

2004-05-16T19:25:00.000-07:00

"ITS HARD TO LOVE...
THERE'S SO MUCH TO HATE"
-George Michael

ruang pribadi

2004-05-13T01:09:00.000-07:00

Kita ternyata pada dasarnya emang manusia individualis ya? Dulu aja pas masih jadi jabang bayi, kita diem di rahim selama 9 bulan. Nggak ada temen, nggak ada orang tua, nggak ada pacar. Tapi justru karena kesendirian itu kita bisa terus hidup. Dan terbukti kok kalo kita tetep hidup.

Dipikir-pikir, sekarang ini gue malah sama sekali nggak pernah sendirian. Saat gue bener-bener sendirian itu cuma pas gue ke kamar mandi, pergi ke kantor naik bis (itu juga rame-rame sama penumpang yang lain), atau kebetulan nggak ada temen pas nyari barang atau liputan.

Setiap saat gue selalu ada yang nemenin. Dulu gue suka ngerasa kesepian, sekarang? Kesepian sih enggak, tapi nggak punya waktu aja buat diri gue sendiri. Berkat obrolan serius dengan muka kusut dengan teman baik gue di balkon kantor, gue menyadari satu hal krusial: gue butuh ruang pribadi.

Nggak nyangka gue kalo pas ruang pribadi ini pudar gara-gara diserang oleh kepentingan-kepentingan orang lain, gue bisa frustasi. Malahan sampe ngerasain apa yang disebut nervous breakdown (maaf nggak tau istilah bahasa Indonesia yang pas buat nerjemahinnya).

Baru nyadar gue kalau selama ini gue melakukan semua hal untuk kepentingan orang lain. Waktu gue dirampas untuk waktu yang jauh dari kebutuhan emosional gue sendiri. Pagi-pagi bangun, pergi ke kantor untuk kepentingan kantor. Makan siang sama temen-temen untuk kepentingan sosial. Pergi ketemu klien di toko kopi (coffee shop) buat ngomongin side job untuk kepentingan finansial. Nyampe rumah ngobrol sama nyokap dan adek buat kepentingan keluarga. Ketemuan sama pacar buat kepentingan masa depan. Dan ini semua terus terjadi dari hari ke hari ke hari ke hari dan seterusnya.

Sibuk? Bisa juga dibilang begitu. Sibuk dengan orang lain. Kapan waktunya buat gue? Kalo boleh ngaku, gue sampe nggak sempet tuh yang namanya beresin lemari gue yang kaya kapal pecah. Atau berolahraga nggak ngaruh dalam kamar tidur bak orang gila seperti dulu. Luluran sambil dengerin lagu-lagu Robbie Williams-ku trus keluar dengan tak senonoh dan berwarna kuning.

Kedengerannya sepele, tapi itu hal-hal kecil yang dirampas dari gue. Gue nggak bisa nyalahin siapa-siapa, dan sampe sekarang gue masih nggak yakin kalau orang bisa ngerti dengan kebutuhan kesendirian gue ini. Mungkin aja ada yang ngerasa sakit hati kalo gue lebih memilih untuk sendirian daripada harus nemenin dia misalnya. Kantor mungkin juga nggak akan ngerti kalo gue tiba-tiba pengen bolos dan melakukan sesuatu yang menyenangkan buat diri gue sendiri. Pergi seenaknya dari rumah karena gue ngerasa bosen dan emang lagi nggak mau aja ngurusin semua tetek bengek rumah tangga? Ya jelas nggak bisa lah. Mereka bisa nganggep gue egois.

Padahal kan kita juga butuh pemenuhan emosional dari dalam diri kita untuk diri kita sendiri juga. Pas kita lagi sendiri, kita bisa introspeksi, bisa mikirin apa yang kurang atau apa yang keterlaluan. Pemulihan diri lah kira-kira.

Apa kita ditakdirkan untuk ngurusin orang lain aja? Trus kalo kita udah ngurusin orang lain, apa udah pasti orang itu juga ngelakuin hal yang sama buat kita? Kedengaran egois? Wajar. Siapa yang merhatiin kita sendiri kalo bukan…kita sendiri!

maaf ya...maaf!

2004-04-27T02:58:00.000-07:00

Bikin salah emang wajar. Apalagi buat yang namanya manusia. Kita dibolehin bikin salah soalnya kita emang nggak ada yang sempurna. Jadi, kalo udah bikin salah, yah mau bilang apalagi? Jelas aja: MAAF. Hmmmm…seandainya aja hati gue selapang itu. Bisa langsung maafin kesalahan orang lain. Kedengerannya emang jahat banget, tapi ini gue yang jujur sejujurnya.

Ngasih kata maaf segampang itu buat gue malah bikin maaf jadi nggak ada artinya. Enak banget dong ya, berarti gue juga bisa melakukan apapun semau gue. Nanti kalo ada yang ngerasa tersinggung, sedih, kesel, marah atau sakit, gue tinggal minta maaf. Selesai.

Sebenarnya butuh kebesaran hati yang amat sangat loh buat maafin seseorang. Apalagi ego manusia itu gede banget. Beneran! Di otak manusia, wilayah paling besar tuh ditempatin sama ego. Kalah sama sex, haus dan lapar! Jadi amat sangat wajar jugalah kalo kadang-kadang gue nggak bisa maafin orang secara tulus secepat kilat. Malahan gue ngerasa kalo orang harus dihukum dulu sebelum kata maaf akhirnya keluar. Hukuman yang gue maksud jelas aja bukan hukum gantung atau pecutan 30 kali. Hukuman yang biasanya dirasa sama orang yang pernah ngelakuin salah ke gue adalah perasaan bersalah. Itu aja sebenarnya. Caranya? Gue diemin. Nah di waktu ini deh kayaknya ego gue berkembang dua kali lipat. Malah bisa menggeser pemikiran gue akan lapar dan haus. Gue jadi mikir. Gimana kalo gue yang nanti bikin salah ya? Itu dia yang gue berusaha banget untuk nggak terjadi. Soalnya gue tau, maafin orang lain itu susah banget. Tapi sayangnya gue juga manusia, pasti bisa bikin salah juga.

Kalau udah kaya gini, gue langsung inget sama kata-kata temen (fotografer handal) gue. Orang itu, secara nggak sadar selalu ngasih pencerahan-pencerahan fenomenal setiap kali ada sesi pemotretan (hehehehe thanks C-Ka!). Dia bilang, ‘Kita harusnya nerima orang apa adanya. Kalo dia bikin salah, ya maafin!’ Aduh gampangnya filosofi temen gue itu. Tapi itu dia, jawabannya! Kenapa harus dibikin pusing? Kesampingin ego lah sekali-kali kalo ada yang bikin salah.

Karena ego gue termasuk besar, gue berusaha untuk menyesuaikan filosofi sang fotografer dengan pemikiran gue yang pertama supaya gue ikhlas ngelakuinnya. Bunyinya begini: Maafin aja deh, nanti pas lo bikin salah nggak mau kan sampe nggak dimaafin? :p

emansipasi pria?

2004-04-22T05:36:00.000-07:00

Beberapa bulan terakhir, ladies night setiap rabu di sebuah club jadi sasaran gue dan beberapa temen cewek di kantor. Hmmm...seru juga. Free flow for ladies sih! Hehehe. Tapi ditengah-tengah ke-tipsy-an, gue sempet ngeliatin kondisi para cowok-cowok. Mereka keliatannya seneng aja tuh gabung bersama para lady-lady yang boleh masuk dan dapet pilihan minuman antara champagne dan vodka gratis. Nggak ada sebersit rasa iri kah mereka dengan keistimewaan buat para cewek ini?

Kenapa pula nggak pernah ada gentlemen night? Kok mereka nggak protes dan nerimo aja terhadap kenyataan yang agak ironis ini? Pas banget deh gue nulis ini sekarang. Kmaren kan baru kartinian kita, ya nggak? Pertanyaan yang bikin gue mikir skarang adalah: apa kabar dengan seluruh laki-laki di dunia ini? Sadar nggak sih kalau mereka lama-lama hidup dalam dunia yang diperuntukkan buat cewek, alias dunia wanita. Kenapa gue bisa bilang gini? Jawabannya gampang, lihat aja di sekeliling kita. Hampir seluruh aspek kehidupan di dunia ini ditentukan, dilakukan, ditujukan, dari, oleh dan untuk wanita.

Mau contoh simpel? Berapa banyak sih majalah khusus cowok yang beredar disini? Jumlahnya jelas jauh dibandingin majalah yang nawarin kebutuhan cewek. Contoh lain? Lihat ke mall-mall, barang apa sih yang dominan? Yap, barang-barang kebutuhan cewek, mulai dari sepatu, baju, aksesori dan pakaian dalem. Perusahaan-perusahaan garmen kayaknya jauh lebih tertarik untuk memuaskan kebutuhan cewek, kayak gue ini! Malahan dulu gue sempet baca artikel di situs ananova yang ngelaporin kalo brand-brand pakaian khusus cowok banyak yang jatoh bangkrut. Mereka akhirnya mutusin untuk ngejual baju cowok di perusahaan garmen cewek. Kenapa? Yah, soalnya cowok yang dateng sendiri ke outlet baju tuh sedikit banget! Kalaupun ada pengunjung, itu juga cewek. Cowok yang belum masuk aliran metrosexual emang punya kecenderungan males ya nyari baju plus pernak pernik buat penampilan mereka. Lagipula, cowok metrosexual masih belom tersebar secara merata kan di negeri kita ini? Jadi, frekuensi kunjungan ke mall paling tinggi sampe sekarang masih dipegang dengan bangganya sama cewek-cewek. Mereka dateng bukan buat beli untuk mereka sendiri lho, tapi juga buat pacar, kakak atau ade, ayah, kakek, om, atau temen cowok mereka.

Mungkin para cowok masih adem ayem aja soal ini. Nggak heran, soalnya mereka maklum banget sama sifat paling umum dari kita cewek: konsumtif. Tapi kalo dipikir-pikir lagi, cewek bukan cuma handal dalam beli membeli aja loh. Dalam rumah tangga, jelas urusan anggaran belanja jatoh ke cewek. Apapun yang berhubungan dengan uang, cewek pasti ada di belakangnya. Ini bisa dibilang salah satu dominasi terselubung kaum cewek lho, karena pada akhirnya kita ceweklah yang nentuin semuanya!

Apakah para cowok udah mulai nyadar akan dominasi cewek ini ya? Atau nenek moyang laki-laki jaman rikiplik kuda dulu emang udah sadar trus sengaja nekan kaum cewek supaya nggak ngelangkahin mereka? Aduh, nggak tau juga ya...secara gue bukan feminis sejati. Mereka mungkin lebih tau jawabannya. Kalo menurut gue, seruan emansipasi wanita di seluruh dunia malah bisa bikin kaum cowok nggak sadar bahwa hak dan martabat mereka sendiri dipertaruhkan. “Ladies first” adalah ungkapan yang tadinya ditujukan untuk membuat tersanjung, dan kadang-kadang ditentang sama cewek sendiri karena ngelecehin emansipasi yang selama ini udah diperjuangin, tapi dengan ungkapan kecil itu jugalah, kaum laki-laki malah seakan-akan nggak berarti.

Coba deh bayangin, sedikit aja ada isu tentang telah terjadinya pelecehan seksual atau pelecehan wanita. Seluruh dunia seakan-akan jadi gempar, trus abis itu langsung gembar-gembor lagi soal emansipasi. Tapi gimana dengan cowok? Mereka nggak punya tuh lembaga-lembaga khusus untuk memperjuangkan kesejahteraan mereka. Kadang-kadang mereka harus berjuang sendiri buat ngedapetin apa yang mereka mau. Beda sama cewek yang kayaknya dikasih perlakuan spesial cuma karena mereka cewek. Gimana nggak special? Cewek punya izin nggak tertulis yang ngebolehin mereka bersikap kayak cowok. Malahan ada beberapa yang malah bangga soalnya jiwa mereka kelaki-lakian, alias tomboy. Kalau cowok? Hmmm, abis deh dihina dina kalo kelakuan mereka mirip cewek. Kasian kan?

Anehnya, cewek tuh dianggap seakan-akan perlu dijaga keselamatannya dari sesuatu yang bernama cowok. Seakan-akan cowok tuh bukan manusia yang punya hak dan martabat yang sama. Padahal kan yang namanya ketidakadilan seharusnya nggak mandang jenis kelamin, iya nggak? Cowok juga manusia, sama kaya cewek. Punya hasrat, keinginan dan kebutuhan sendiri. Tapi dari sini aja ada beberapa hal yang secara universal malah dilarang buat cowok. Contoh kecil, nangis. Nangis itu salah satu emosi dasar setiap manusia lho, tapi kenapa harus ada istilah ‘boys don’t cry?’. Hasilnya? Cowok pun harus menahan emosi mereka yang sebenarnya harus dilepasin karena perasaan sedih yang suka muncul. Ada sih beberapa cowok yang merasa cukup dewasa dan kemakan sama istilah rancu itu. Tapi jadinya malah jelek juga kan akhirnya? Tanpa rasa berasalah mereka nangis, tapi otomatis citra mereka justru jatoh. Bukan di mata cewek aja lagi, tapi juga di mata kalangan mereka sendiri.

Berapa banyak sih cowok yang dateng tergopoh-gopoh ngadu ke sebuah lembaga karena karirnya jadi berantakan cuma karena ada seorang cewek yang hanya mengandalkan kecantikan dan tubuh untuk menggantikan posisinya di perusahaannya? Berapa banyak cowok yang bikin keributan di tengah keramaian dan teriak histeris ke cewek kalo dia kurang ajar sama cowok? Nggak terlalu banyak…mereka cuma bisa nyimpen semua ini sendiri, berteriak dalam hati dan berusaha untuk menerima kenyataan. Ngapain ribut, lagian pembelaan yang bakal keluar dari pihak cewek cuma satu kata sakti, emansipasi.

Nggak heran dong kalo ada beberapa cowok yang anti banget sama kata emansipasi. Soalnya diem-diem, yang seharusnya nyeruin kata emansipasi justru mereka sendiri. Tapi di lain pihak, semakin mereka nentang emansipasi wanita itu, dengan terus-terusan berusaha nginjek-nginjek cewek, semakin rendah juga lah derajat dan martabat mereka jadinya.

Ah, kayaknya sekarang ini emansipasi udah nggak penting ya, apalagi buat cewek. Yang perlu kita kuatirin tuh sebenernya Cuma hak asasi manusia. Emansipasi manusia-lah, mau itu cewek, mau itu cowok. Soalnya dalam setiap perjuangan emang pasti selalu ada yang jadi korban. Apa emansipasi wanita perlu terus diagung-agungkan Cuma supaya cowok ngerasa kecil dan diperlakukan nggak adil?

Pokoknya, intinya: kasian kan, masa cowok nggak ada gentlemen night? :p

bosan akan kebosanan

2004-04-20T20:51:00.000-07:00

Hebat juga si Tuhan di atas sana. Bisa-bisanya dia nyiptain perasaan bosan. Tapi rada absurd juga ini perasaan. Kalau bosan, kita otomatis cari sesuatu yang baru dong. Ironisnya, sesuatu tidak selamanya bisa jadi sesuatu yang baru. Kalau udah kenal, tau, ngerasa, baru pasti langsung jadi sesuatu yang lama. Nggak baru lagi. Trus, apa kita harus terus mencari sesuatu yang baru supaya kita nggak gila saking bosannya? Apakah manusia aja yang kurang ajar karena nggak pernah puas dengan apa yang ada? Nggak pernah puas emang bagus, bisa memotivasi orang untuk maju katanya. Buat perkembangan dunia emang penting. Tapi untuk perkembangan diri kita sendiri? Bukannya selalu mencari sesuatu yang baru malah bisa bikin frustasi? (Padahal frustasi bisa jadi depresi, depresi bisa bunuh diri :P ) Semua sekedar untuk mencari kesenangan sesaat untuk membunuh rasa bosan. Gimana kalo ternyata semua udah nggak baru lagi. Trus apa?

Saking bosannya dengan bosan, gue akhirnya browsing tentang kebosanan. Ternyata ada penjelasan panjang dibelakang perasaan yang lumayan ganggu ini. Kebosanan ternyata adalah suatu keadaan mental dan emosional tak menyenangkan yang dikarakteristikkan dengan ketidakpuasan dan kurangnya minat. Cukup deskriptif dan benar juga ya definisi ini. Setuju nggak? Lagian kayaknya nggak pernah tuh ada orang yang bilang: ‘hore akhirnya gue bosen juga sama ini atau itu’. Bosen konotasinya selalu negatif.

Banyak hal yang bikin kebosanan ini muncul. Satu contoh paling umum adalah situasi. Ngalamin, ngelakuin, ngeliat atau ngerasa sesuatu terus menerus bisa bikin bosen (gue sendiri aja udah mulai bosen dengan kata bosen yang udah berapa kali gue tulis...ampun!). Makanya variasi itu jadi sesuatu yang penting. Nah ini dia dilema yang bikin pusing. Seperti yang tadi udah gue bilang, yang namanya manusia itu emang butuh perubahan stimulasi. Variasi emang banyak, tapi sayangnya dunia ini ya begini begini aja terus. Nggak tiba-tiba besok berubah jadi mars, neraka atau surga. Atau kita yang berprofesi menulis ga bisa tiba-tiba ganti haluan jadi astronot misalnya. Kalau bisa dibilang, kita bosen bukan gara-gara kita nggak punya kegiatan apapun yang bisa dilakukan. Tapi semata-mata hanya kurangnya pilihan. Rasa bosan lahir dari keadaan dimana nggak ada satu kegiatan yang kita suka bisa benar-benar kita lakuin. Gue mau pergi ke dufan misalnya, tapi nggak bisa terealisasi karena setiap hari gue kerja dan akhir pekan diisi dengan kegiatan-kegiatan lebih penting yang nggak sempet gue lakuin (padahal belum tentu gue suka) karena kerja tadi. Hasilnya gini, bosen, sampe-sampe perlu ditulis! :P

Ada satu alasan lain dari bosen yang cukup menarik menurut gue. Alasan ini lebih bersifat personal: intelektual tinggi. Erich Fromm, psikoanalis, pernah bilang kalo cuma manusia aja yang bisa ngerasa bosen. Ngerasa nyesel jadi manusia? Nggak usah, soalnya ternyata itu nggak sepenuhnya bener. Binatang dengan intelektual hampir menyamai manusia ternyata juga bisa bosen. Lihat aja ke kebun binatang, kera atau beruang ternyata juga bisa bosen dikurung dalam kandang. Tapi ular dan buaya kayaknya nggak bermasalah tuh dengan rasa bosen. Mereka tetap aja berenang, berjemur, melata atau tidur dengan biasanya. Kalau manusia? Orang-orang yang sangat cerdas ternyata seringkali menyerap informasi dari sebuah stimulus sebelum orang-orang lain. Jadi, mereka siap untuk menerima hal baru ketika orang-orang malah justru sedang atau mulai tertarik. Akhirnya si orang-orang cerdas ini lebih cepat merasa jenuh dengan objek atau orang lain dan jadi bosan.

Aah udah bosen gue ngebahas rasa bosen ini. Berarti gue cerdas nggak ya? :P

the object of my anger

2004-04-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

‘Kenapa sih marah-marah terus?’ Pertanyaan yang lumayan ganggu setelah baekan sama pacar. Hmmmm....kenapa ya? Nggak tau juga. Dipikir-pikir gue termasuk orang yang jarang marah sama orang. Lebih banyak ketawa, becanda, pokoknya apapun selain marah-marah. Kalaupun marah-marah itu juga becanda jatohnya (yah begitulah kalau gaya becandaannya sarkastik). Tapi, tiba-tiba gue dapet pencerahan. Gue nggak pernah marah sama orang-orang yang gue emang nggak nggak terlalu akrab. Supir taksi yang sok nggak tau jalan dan bikin jumlah argo membengkak nggak masuk hitungan ya. Soalnya justru sama orang yang sama sekali nggak ada hubungannya sama kita, rasa marah bisa dengan bebas kita ungkapin.

Beda kan sama temen kerja yang kadang-kadang suka bikin kesel karena ngerasa tingkatannya lebih tinggi. Mau nggak mau ya pasrah atau mengutuk dalam hati. Marah kayaknya nggak perlu ya? Nanti jadi nggak enak lagi kalau besok-besok kita ternyata harus kerja bareng. Mungkin itu, rasa nggak enak, yang bikin kita nahan atau malah ngilangin rasa marah dengan orang-orang yang ada di sekitar kita. Jaga perasaan, istilahnya.

Tapi coba deh inget-inget. Siapa aja sih yang pernah kamu marahin beberapa bulan belakangan ini? Marah kita mungkin lebih banyak diarahin ke sahabat, adik, kakak, orang tua atau pacar (kalau ternyata daftar korban kamu lebih banyak, mungkin kamu emang pada dasarnya pemarah. terima kenyataan aja). Ada persamaan apa ya diantara semua orang itu? Kalau bagi gue, mereka adalah orang-orang yang gue sayangin.

Jadi bingung? Kenapa justru sama orang-orang yang gue sayang, gue malah sering marah? Jawabannya karena gue deket banget sama mereka. Gue ngerasa kalau mereka akan tetap bisa nerima gue walaupun gue udah bereaksi nggak wajar terhadap sesuatu yang sebenernya sepele. Bisa-bisa gue dimusuhin editor lah kalau sapaan selamat pagi gue yang nggak dibalesnya (karena emang sebenernya emang nggak kedengeran) gue tanggepin dengan marah-marah trus ngambek. Tapi, coba aja kalau hal ini dilakukan pacar. Huuu liat aja, siap-siap terima muka cemberut gue seharian!

Sisi sensitif kita ternyata bertambah dua kali lipat besarnya sama orang-orang yang kita sayang. Ini ternyata bener-bener berlaku buat gue. Orang nggak salah menilai kalau mereka nganggep gue termasuk cuek. Diledek atau nggak dipeduliin temen yang sekedar kenal? Nggak jadi masalah. Tapi kalau sahabat gue tiba-tiba menghilang karena sibuk dengan orang lain, mungkin bisa berdampak rasa marah yang gue ekspresiin dengan aksi diem.

Kasarnya, kalau bisa dibilang, cuma orang-orang tertentulah yang bisa bersyukur karena bisa ngeliat sisi gue yang pemarah :P. Bukan sesuatu yang bisa diterima dengan senang hati emang, tapi mereka boleh yakin kalau dibelakang aksi gue yang nyebelin itu, mereka termasuk orang-orang yang sangat berarti dalam hidup gue.

Mungkin itulah yang bisa dijadiin jawaban kenapa gue sering marah sama cowok gue. Karena rasa sayang gue ke dia cukup gede (semakin sayang semakin besar marahnya? :P). Kata atau tindakan salah bisa bikin hati gue tiba-tiba retak trus ego gue langsung keluar. Marahlah gue. Gue percaya banget kalau kita jadi lebih rapuh dihadapan mereka yang kita sayangin. Tapi dengan mereka juga kita bisa dengan bebas ngekspresiin semua perasaan yang ada. Sayang, sedih, seneng, dan juga marah!

Jadi...aku marah banget sama kamu sayang! Hehehehe